Once again fortune has humped my leg

2008-09-30T14:55:00.003-04:00

THURSDAY=Economics midterm and Accounting midterm
MONDAY=Final paper and presentation
TUESDAY=Statistics midterm

It's times like these I wish I were still working at Hannaford.

2008-09-23T19:39:00.005-04:00

"Don't call it a come back! I've been here for years."
--Ladies Love Cool James

Man! I have really abandoned this thing, huh? Sorry kids-it's been a crazy couple of months. I feel like I had so many things I meant to blog about but I couldn't get it onto the page quick enough. So here's what I can think of right now.

Europe was awesome! I've got tons of pictures but haven't actually downloaded any of them onto my computer so why don't you just google "Prague" or "Budapest" and assume we saw whatever you can find.

Right after we got back, I moved into a new condo closer to school which is similarly awesome. (I feel like I need a new adjective) Right now, my mom is acting landlord and dad is maintenance. He's doing a great job, I'm just not sure how comfortable I am leaving my valuables around. He's got some pretty sticky fingers. Fun fact: After the first good rain, I was walking down the steps in flip flops and whoosh! Feet fell completely out from under me and I landed square on my posterior. Of course, there was some guy right behind me who was nice enough to make sure I was ok, but still...EMBARRASSING!

Now I'm firmly entrenched in school and papers and reading and the like. I'm trying to be a big girl and focus on the school work (which I've actually been able to do pretty well so far). But, you know, you gotta decompress a little bit, which is why I'm doing this post while simultaneously watching last night's episode of Gossip Girl. At least I'm multi-tasking my slacking off activities!

This was a pretty text-heavy post, so to make up for it, here's a little Julia-sized treat:

Have you ever seen such a hilarious sweet pea??

2008-07-24T17:03:00.002-04:00

Since the TV season ended, I've been recording all the movies I've always meant to see but have never gotten around to actually watching. So I end up watching a few movies per week, usually in 1 hour increments because I end up falling asleep on the couch. Anywho, my point is--how do these movies end up as classics??? The music and acting is so over the top I can't take it. For instance, I just finished watching West Side Story and I realize it's a musical and all but I feel like the gangs could have been more effective at fighting if they didn't have to worry about pointing their toes during their pirouettes. Just a thought.

At the risk of pissing all of you working folk off, my last day at work was last Friday and it's been pretty awesome this whole week. Yesterday, my big outing for the day was going to get my student ID made (adorable by the way!!) and stopping off at Whole Foods for a blended mocha. And then it was right to the couch for a mid-day nap to refresh. I highly recommend this kind of life.

Tomorrow I leave for Prague & Budapest with my mom and sister so do me a favor and send good thoughts for A) the flight over there and B) finding vegetarian fair that isn't just bread and water. Peace out!!

2008-06-23T21:19:00.005-04:00

Please take note of the following things that have freaked me out, as of late (feel free to add your own):

1. Snakes (obviously)
2. Plastic horses and/or deer on front lawns
3. Women over 40 who wear miniskirts
4. People who call into Delilah without any sense of irony
5. How much I enjoy calling someone a d-bag
6. Construction workers who stare at you as you drive by them and their nefarious SLOW/STOP sign.

However, kudos to the shirtless dudes who run up and down my street. Keep up the good work fellas!!

2008-06-09T16:17:00.009-04:00

For the fourteen-ish months I've been down in NC, I feel like I've been straining to report the same kinds of interesting, odd, and mildly insane experiences I had up in D.C. Little did I know that, just like Dorothy Gale, if I ever go looking for craziness again, I won't have to look any further than my own office break room. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with. Is that right?

Oh of course it is! All this time, I was overlooking this abundant source of entertaining chestnuts--WORK!

As you can see from this picture, someone decided that it was "Mexican Week" at our offices. I can understand your difficulty in sussing that out, seeing as how every 3rd letter is cut out of white paper and then pasted onto...white paper. Trust me, it's no more readable in person. Everyone who comes into the kitchen has the same reaction; squinty eyes, furrowed brow, and the repeated mantra of "mx...an...ee??"

I can only assume that the da Vinci behind this masterpiece was too busy focusing on the details that represent life as a person of Mexican descent to worry about how legible the sign was. Details such as taco seasoning:

Or corn (née maize):

Just an FYI, I've been to every Hispanic-advocacy group's website I could think of, and this is most definitely not any sort of nationally recognized appreciation week. So, clearly, this fool just decided to make up her/his own celebration. And who starts it on a Friday?? I ask you????

2008-05-23T09:49:00.002-04:00

In the month or so since we've last spoken, so many wondrous things have happened. But above all of them, I'd have to say the most amazing one is hearing from Shacacca (TWICE!!) on this blog. Girl, call me!!

I'll touch on the more personal ones below but, as the weeks went by, I kept thinking about all the noteworthy things that were happening around me (of course I ended up being too lazy to actually write about it but whatevah). For the first time that I can remember, NC's participation in a presidential primary was of actual importance. I marveled as I stood in line for an hour and a half at Pullen Park waiting to vote early, and noticed how relaxed and non-gripey (for the most part) my fellow citizens were during this beautiful Saturday. I, myself, rewarded...myself...with a delicious treat from Locopops on Hillsborough St. A latte-flavored popsicle on a sunny, 75-degree Saturday is all kinds of allright.

And of course, the divine and holy savior to all that ills the world, otherwise known as Julia, turned one. She received a call from the Dalai Lama asking for her input into the tensions between China and Tibet but all she told him was "Hi!!" while waving her hand gloriously. Then she said "bubbles" and hung up on him. What can I say? I guess she wasn't in the mood.

Finally, my big news is that after getting the big heave-ho from both Duke & UNC Business schools (that would be their lovely rejection letters), N.C. State came through at the last minute with an acceptance letter. And better than that, they're giving me this graduate assistantship thing which covers health insurance, a stipend, and full tuition coverage. I know I kind of buried my lead there but that was how the email stated it and I got so wrapped up in the health insurance part that I didn't even see the full tuition coverage until Jennifer pointed it out to me. I guess working at an insurance company has rubbed off on me.

If you're lucky, and I get my act together, I'll try to post a picture of me circa 9/10 years old wearing a State cheerleading outfit as thanks to the MBA admissions office gods.

2008-04-12T16:36:00.004-04:00

To quote Emma, PRAISE BE!!! I'm a little late chiming in with this but in a few months, I'll regain a little piece of beauty I left behind in D.C. This fall, the awesome Project Runway is moving from Bravo (the stupid channel that stupid Time Warner doesn't carry) to Lifetime (the fabulous channel that the increasingly esteemed Time Warner does carry)! I'm back in the loop suckers. No more trying to find 2 minute clips on Youtube. No more pretending I know what a "hot tranny mess" is. And here I thought that Lifetime was only good for reruns of Golden Girls, Designing Women, and Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?.

If you get a chance, check out the hairstyles that the employees are sporting at the Food Lion on Alexander and Page Roads. The dudes look kinda like this:

The ladies were participating too. They looked more like this:

Just Glorious.

2008-03-31T20:31:00.005-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!

Today's my mom's 60th birthday. Alltogether now, everyone say happy birthday!! I believe she'll be accepting all gifts through the next month. Feel free to send them my way and I'll pass them on. Don't forget to make all checks out to "cash."

2008-03-27T16:41:00.002-04:00

I just got back from the dentist where I had a filling replaced and so I look something like this:

And I go back next week for 3 more fillings! That's right--my mouth's a cesspool. Who wants a kiss??

P.S.--you fools better start identifying yourselves. at least give me some initials!

2008-03-07T16:24:00.002-05:00

My two favorite signs I saw this week? One was at the First Church of something or other and said "Father forgive them." First of all, forgive who? And secondly, for what?? Perhaps the church's landscaping company for having a design concept that centered around the "scraggly bush" theme. Or maybe the construction company across the street for jackhammering so loud they could wake this supposed God. In any case, church elders, please be more specific next time. I can't take the ambiguity.

The second one was in the median on Alexander Drive and said "Need money? Call 24/7." And the best part is that it was WRITTEN IN MAGIC MARKER!!?! They didn't even bother to go to Michael's and get a bunch of plastic letters for $.49 each. I don't know how it's lasted through all this rain. Dudes--seriously. In this topsy-turvy world full of subprime loans and corporate financial corruption, that sign doesn't really add an air of credibility to your offer.

Jennifer and Chris are out in Cali for a long weekend so Julia's stuck with the Soloways starting tomorrow morning. You know what that means, right? Duke t-shirts all weekend. And she's gonna love it!

2008-02-22T13:28:00.006-05:00

Sometimes I'm amazed by my own brilliance. I totally predicted the whole Kate/Aaron thing on LOST weeks ago!! What's that you say? "But Staci, that's not so much a sign of brilliance as it is a sign of someone who's been watching TV 18 hours a day for 28 years." And to that I say, "Shut up jerkface." And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Speaking of TV, I hope you all caught the Conan-Colbert-Stewart feud a few weeks ago, that culminated in this little beauty. My favorite part is the little spin move Colbert does in the middle of attacking Jon Stewart with his ice skates. And here's another link for the making of, which is equally as hilarious. All three of them have said that the whole "feud" was basically just a way to waste time during the writers' strike, but they're freaking crazy. That was some of the funniest TV any of them have ever produced, in my humble opinion.

I'm going to use my last couple of lines to call out Shannon, a.k.a. Shacacca, Shannaford, for not calling me back for like, a year. Can one of her family members get on her about that?? Thanks guys.

2008-02-13T14:11:00.000-05:00

You know what's awesome? When someone at work comes up to you and says you look tired when YOU FEEL FINE!! Granted, she was discussing the gaggles of people in the office who are sick but come on! I had eight hours of sleep last night for Christ's sake. Next time, keep your comments about how crappy I look to yourself thank you very much.

So this weekend I'm headed up to DC to see all my homeys and school some folks on poker (not really). Naturally, I've left time to visit all three Anthropologies in the D.C. metro area. However, when I was telling this to my mom, I had a flash of genius! There's an Anthropologie in Richmond that I've never been to, so you know where I'll be stopping to stretch my legs on my way home. Just imagine, a completely new (to me) store! I'll feel like Magellan. Or at least like the people on the Oregon Trail.

By the way, I kind of kicked ass on the GMAT last week considering I only studied for 3 weeks and I haven't looked at a math problem in about 8 years. I mean, it's not getting me into Wharton or anything but hopefully Duke or Carolina will give the green light. Besides, who wants to go to Wharton? Too far from Julia, I say. Anywho, thanks to everyone for being so supportive and encouraging. I'll put up my acceptance speech thanking you individually in the next post.

2008-01-24T17:47:00.000-05:00

Holy eff, you guys. For the first time in, like, four years, I can actually pay off my entire credit card balance. This is so sad, I know, but it's seriously the highlight of my month! (Next to Julia learning how to say "hi" and waving, duh)

I'd like to say that my debt-free status is a result of increased income (no way), or careful financial planning (as if), but for reals-I just stopped ordering something from Anthropologie every month. You'd think I'd have been able to break the habit long ago but you'd be wrong. It's such a love-hate relationship. Love the clothes, hate the prices. Damn you Anthropologie!! WHY MUST YOU MAKE IT HURT SO GOOD??!!?

By the way, you know how they found the truck of the marine wanted for killing another marine? Well, it was found in a hotel parking lot. A hotel parking lot across from my office. So, if you're keeping score at home, that makes one snake and one murderer (allegedly) either in or around my office. I'm just gonna call that 0 for 2.

I take the GMAT in 9 days. Please send all your smart brain cells my way via the interweb. I promise to return them the evening of Feb. 2nd. You can keep the ones that have been watching VH1 reality shows--I've got tons of those already.

P.S.-um, can you fools start identifying yourselves in the comments if you aren't already? Hard to imagine that anyone else besides my mom and sister read this, I know, but there you have it.

2008-01-08T21:56:00.000-05:00

It's not in my nature to be voluntarily gracious, so I like to call attention to those rare moments when I am so that I can rack up brownie points. Brownie points for what, you ask? Something. Somewhere. At sometime. It doesn't matter. Don't ask silly questions.

I was watching Justin Timberlake's HBO special the other day and, as I suspect any normal pop music fan would, thinking about how effing awesome JT is. As Mindy Kaling says, he not only sings, dances, and plays the piano--he does it all in a three-piece suit. Anyway, here's the gracious part. I have to give it up to Kate for seeing his potential way back when he was just the youngest, but not gayest, member of 'N Sync. Somehow she was able to see through the bleached blonde mini-afro...through the sweater vests...through his toolish bandmates...and all the way into his everlasting soul. She had faith when the rest of us (read: me) were betting that nobody would remember his name after 1999. My bad Kate.

On a completely unrelated note, the McDonald's at the corner of Spring Forest and Falls of the Neuse Rds had the following message on their outside sign: "Jesus is the reason for the season." First, I love it when religious mandates rhyme. Second, I thought twinkle lights and gift cards were the reason for the season???

In any case, Brick and Champ send all of you their fondest wishes for a healthy and happy new year!

2007-12-19T22:27:00.000-05:00

What follows is my exact thought process from this morning:

(passing by coffeehouse)
“I need to go to the gym tonight and I’m kind of tired. I should get some coffee so that I’ll be awake enough to go to the gym later tonight. Of course after drinking the coffee, I’ll have downed so many calories that I’ll have to go to the gym to work it all off.”

Do you see the coffee-drinking/gym-going web I’ve caught myself in??? I’m not sure if that line of thinking is psychotic or brilliant. P.S.—didn’t make it to the gym.

I was afraid that, since I’m now working in the corporate world, I’d miss out on all the food baskets vendors like to bribe you with in order to keep your busin----I mean, show their thanks. I’m happy to report that is not the case and I totally snagged a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels before anyone else because of my primo seat next to the breakroom. What!!? They were Godiva!

I had the absolute best day last week. First, this really annoying girl at work was having a completely ridiculous freakout about some nonsense and it was endlessly entertaining. Second, I was doing my semi-annual searching for a hair-smoothing-thingy I bought in Australia SEVEN years ago and actually found it! It’s made by some company in Hong Kong and is just recently available for purchase in the states. Here’s the link in case you’re interested. I wholeheartedly recommend it. Yes, the price is exorbitant but when I first bought it, the Australian/American dollar ratio was like 2:1 so it was dirt cheap. (AM, did I ever tell you about that perfume I bought!!??) I already told my mom about it so maybe it’ll make its way into my (imaginary) stocking! And I know what you’re thinking: “Staci, you don’t believe in our lord and savior, so why should you reap the benefits of everyone else celebrating his birth and legacy??” And to that I can only say even heathens need hair products.

P.S.--have you ever seen such an adorable niece???

2007-12-10T20:15:00.000-05:00

Ah, forget it. I'm just going to start posting on a more regular basis and assume people are reading. I mean, after all, I did get 4 people who said they still read--and only 50% of them are related to me! I'm sure if Julia could type, she would have added her input.

In honor of my revived dedication to blogging, I'm gonna give this post 100%. Most of the others have topped out at about 84%. Don't you judge me. It's hard to come up with new material on a regular basis. Just ask the columnists at the Times. They understand my plight.

Let me offer the following observations:

1. I received this in the mail last week:

I hope you all can read the options that one is supposed to check, because I'm laughing too hard to type them. Okay, fine-they say:

[ ] I prayed and trusted Jesus after reading this letter

[ ] I would like to join a bible study

[ ] I have more questions

[ ] Please call me

[ ] Please email me

Seriously? I know December is a time when lots of people increase their religious activity but honestly--a little targeting could save the Christian Library International tons of money in direct mail. At least exclude those people, such as myself, who subscribe to Heathens Weekly.

2. To all the skinny bitches in my apartment complex--I know it's been unseasonably warm but that's no reason to wear gym shorts with a 3/4" inseam. In fact, there's no reason to even own such shorts. It's unseemly.

3. I thought I was in a spot of trouble at work a few weeks ago. My computer died and when our IT guys were fixing it they saw that I had Rhapsody (my music service) installed. Luckily they were cool about it but they did proceed to mock my choice of music. You know what, you try listening to "All 4 Love" by Color Me Badd and NOT dancing. IT WON'T HAPPEN!!

4. Did you know that Mindy Kaling (she plays Kelly Kapoor on The Office-duh!) has a blog called "Things I've Bought That I Love"???? It's everything I aspire to be. And not because of my love of all things Office; she hardly even mentions it. Rather, the sheer amount of shopping she is able to do brings me to tears.

2007-12-05T22:50:00.000-05:00

IS ANYONE ALIVE OUT THERE????

No, really--does anyone still read this thing (besides my mom)? I know it's all my fault for not updating regularly but if everyone's stopped reading it completely...

Leave a quick comment just so I know you still check in occasionally. I'll leave this message up for a couple of weeks and see what happens!!

2007-11-04T21:30:00.000-05:00

You know how you're not supposed to mess with Texas? Well, Kate and I did and somehow we were able to come away unscathed. E-bo was nice enough to house our cheap selves for an entire long weekend and even picked us up at different airports that were 45 minutes away from each other! I think she was just excited to be able to spend time with others without having to make a diagnosis.

I'm gonna go ahead and speak for Kate and say we had a wonderful time in Houston (that's H-town to those of us who are down). I'd like to give my first shout-out to Whattaburger--a 24hr dining establishment that has the best chocolate shakes south of.....well, I don't know where but they make a damn fine shake. My next props goes to Houston's Anthropologie, where I was able to buy $400 worth of stuff for $84. You may call it frugal or smart shopping; I'm going to take a cue from Belinda Carlisle and call it heaven on earth. Finally, what's up Chuy's!! Queso, margaritas AND enchiladas! Si, si, and si!!!

On our last day, we saw Emma's hospital and spent time in neighboring Hermann Park. It was the most beautiful weather but unfortunately, none of us geniuses thought to bring a camera so you'll have to settle for a google image. But take my word for it--it was super relaxing.

I know what you're thinking; did we get on the paddleboats? You know it!!

The only thing that gave me pause was driving by a strip mall that housed the Church of Good something or other and, right next door, an "adult" bookstore. I guess different people unwind in different ways on Sunday afternoons...

So thanks again Emma for all the hospitality during my first trip to the Longhorn State. AM, you're next!! I can't wait for my first trip to Canadialand.

For no particular reason, I feel compelled to tell you all that my favorite lyrics right now are: "You know how long I been on ya, since Prince was on Apollonia." Who says subtlety is dead?

sd sfffffffffffffs Oops, that's Brick saying hello to everyone as she helps me type. I think that's my cue to end it here. Unless you'd like to hear more from her. I think she takes requests.

2007-08-20T20:16:00.000-04:00

I've been down in the Cackalack for about 4 months now and I've got a few interesting tidbits to share:

1. As my last post mentioned, I feared the blog would suffer due to a lack of crazy-person-stories. Well no sooner did I write that than I had my first significant run in with someone I affectionately call a "crazy bitch." I sit near the break room at work and there's a door to the outside hall there, which co-workers occasionally knock on to be let in because they've forgotten their access card. A few weeks ago, I hear an annoyingly persistent knock and dutifully get up to let them in (I'm no bouncer--you say you work there and I let you in). All of a sudden this ratty looking girl starts giving me this sales pitch for some beauty package at a salon I've never heard of, and says in order to lock in this "deal" I'd have to give her the money upfront. First of all, this girl was so yucky-looking I wouldn't have trusted her to make over a Barbie. Secondly, why would I give you $50 before you even had a chance to mess up my hair? Does it look like the turnip truck is right behind me??? Damn fool.

2. On Highway 70, between the airport and the mall is a carpet & flooring store called "Floors by John Raper." Seriously dude? You should really just leave it at "Floors by John" because there's no way I'd let you into my house. What if it's some incredibly clever ruse of truth in advertising he uses to gain access to women who are home alone? No thank you. I'll stick with Ikea's fake crap.

3. Why do the skinny bitches at the store Uniquities at North Hills refuse to even stock a size large? I've seen the brands they carry in other stores. I KNOW they make them. I'm sure they're trying to be as trendy as possible but it's North Hills, not Fifth Avenue for christ's sake. I'll keep my business with Anthropologie thank you very much.

Did everyone see that Sen. Obama will be interviewed on the Tyra Banks show in the fall? I know he's trying to reach out to the common folk but TYRA? You know she's just going to ask him if he thinks she's fat.

Right now I'm watching this show on the National Geographic channel about several instances of Cape Buffalo attacking human hunters. The narrator just had the following voiceover: "what caused these buffalo to go after humans?" Just a thought but maybe it's because these "hunters" were trying to mount its head on their wall. I would certainly be opposed to that if I were a buffalo. I don't even mess with the cats when it seems like they're in a bad mood. I mean look at this--would you get close to such ferociousness:

2007-07-17T09:06:00.000-04:00

I'd like to think this little hiatus I've taken has made you hungry for more blogging, but I fear it's just pissing you off. Sorry about that. Since she can't talk, or hold her head up for more than a few seconds, I'm going to go ahead and blame Julia. I think she's sucked all the sarcasm out of me! I used to store up all my blog-worthy stuff somewhere in the back of my humongous head, but now when I try reaching into the depths of my brain for something humorous, all I get is "La La...Sunshine...Puppies...Daffodils." And now that I'm in the 'burbs, I'm not getting any of those crazy-people-on-the-street stories that I used to count on. But I have faith that I'll get some good rednecky stories as a supplement.

I will now commence with the posting of gorgeous/hilarious Julia pictures.

"Wheeee. Look how cute I am! Touchdown!!"

"Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em."

The following are pictures that never fail to make me laugh (HARD), and yet I fear when she gets older she'll disown me. Eh, I'll take my chances. If you couldn't already tell, putting the glasses on her was my idea:

"Ladies and Gentlemen...Mr. Elton John!!"

"Are you kidding me with this."

"I swear by all that is holy, I will get you bitches."

And now let's end on a happier note:

It's as if the divine is spirit shining his pure light on her face. Or my mom can't take a picture to save her life. You decide. (I guess she hasn't sucked ALL the sarcasm out of me just yet)

2007-05-21T22:46:00.000-04:00

Leghumped is pleased to present to you the debut pictures of Miss Julia Paige. It was definitely a tense negotiation period. US Weekly was hounding her agents day and night and Hello! came in with a last-minute offer (in the 7 digits; you didn't hear it from me). But I'm proud to say that in the end, she decided to remain loyal to her fambly and so, for a small fee, I can show you:

Oooooooh....Aaaaaaaahh. Don't you feel 40% cuter just by looking at her picture?

This is her unimpressed face. Her thought bubble is clearly saying "Hurry up and take the beauty shot. I've got brain cells to sharpen before Harvard comes knocking and my day is already filling up, what with the eating, napping, and diaper-soiling."

As you can see, she's the most brilliant, gorgeous baby that ever was. She's like a cross between Helen of Troy and Marie Curie--and she knows it. Shiloh and Suri better watch out because Julia will totally kick their asses and then make fun of them for having weird names.

2007-04-05T16:38:00.000-04:00

I should have decided to quit my job ages ago!! Ever since giving notice, things have been going amazingly well. Here, let me rattle off my list for you (not necessarily in order of importance):

1. First and foremost--I got another job in NC! I was fully prepared to move back and just temp until I could find something but lo and behold, someone actually wanted to hire me. And pay me more money. So basically, I'm making more money in a place with a lower cost of living and no easily accessible Anthropologie. I feel like my income-to-debt ratio is going to change dramatically.

2. I'm getting a humongous apartment for, say it with me people, less money! For the first time in a long while, my sleeping quarters will be separated from the rest of the apartment by a door. Next thing you know, I'll have a washer and dryer in the apartment. Oh wait...

3. Baby will be here soon and I am well on my way to being awesome aunt Staci.

4. For the first time in 4 years, I finally won a freaking office pool. I came in first in our men's basketball pool and although I had to win by betting against my beloved Duke, it was well worth it in the end. I consider it divine justice after coming in second so many times.

5. The federal government and the District of Columbia, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that they owe me $10 and $8, respectively, in taxes. Way to go Turbo Tax!

6. If the massive list above isn't enough, I have six words for you: "Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School."

Can you stand the excitement??!!? I know I can't.

2007-03-14T17:13:00.000-04:00

I'm going, going...back, back...to Cali, Cali...

Or at least I got back, back from Cali. Sorry, I just hate to pass up a chance to quote LL Cool J. Doesn't everyone?

So Emma and I spent a fantabulous long weekend out in L.A., visiting Josie who was of course a wonderful hostess. We got the full tour on Saturday and even took in a hilarious Groundlings show on Sunday night. We also saw the following celebrities, which is probably what you're most interested in:

1. Peter Stormare (the creepy blonde, silent guy in Fargo who stuffed Steve Buscemi into a wood chipper)

2. David Krumholtz (currently in Numb3rs-also the psycho who killed Kellie Martin's character in that episode of ER)

3. Jane Lynch (tall, blonde woman in the Christopher Guest movies-also Steve Carrell's boss in The 40-year-old virgin)

4. Melissa McCarthy (Sookie on Gilmore Girls)

5. Kirsten Dunst (snaggletooth and all)

5.5 Chris O'Donnell: Emma says she saw him on Saturday, but since he was in a car and it was the beginning of the trip, and nobody else saw him, we cannot confirm his presence. But it's a strong maybe. No offense Emma.

Due to Josie's mad connections, we got to go on the WB lot and see the outside sets for ER and Gilmore Girls. Completely awesome time! Surreal, but awesome.

Here's Emma "outside" of County General in "Chicago." Just think, I was breathing the same air George Clooney once breathed. I guess that could be said of any place. Or any person, actually. Whatever, shut up.

Here's me in front of Miss Patty's dance studio on Gilmore Girls. What a lovely sign. In fact I do feel welcomed to Stars Hollow just by standing under it.

Thanks again Josie!! My celebrity-lovin' heart is forever indebted to you.

2007-02-22T10:17:00.000-05:00

Let's just go ahead and call this what it is--a bitch post. I will be doing absolutely nothing but bitching about stuff so if that's not your bag, perhaps you should wait for the next post.

First and foremost, the server at work has been down all week, which means no email and, up until recently, spotty internet access. Now losing email is one thing--I can get over being completely unproductive at work pretty quickly. To hell with a work ethic. But not being able to look up random crap on the internets! Torture I tell you!! I don't want to point fingers but I think this may all be Jennifer's fault. She showed me some segment on the Today show about a guy trying to go for a week without a cell phone, email, and internet access and he only lasted 40 hours. And conveniently, two days later, I end up in the same situation. She's probably some kind of witch. Yes, she is currently pregnant with my (adorable) niece, but that doesn't mean she's not studying the occult on the side...

And how come everytime I'm about to move out of an apartment building, they start renovations that make it a totally cooler place to live. This is the 3rd building in a row and I'm starting to get suspicious. Jennifer, is that you again?

And AM, where's your update???

Ok, that's all I'll subject you to for now. I hope to be in a better mood the next time (but no promises!)

2007-01-08T11:52:00.000-05:00

Even though Thanksgiving is long past, I'd like to express my gratitude to several people and things that have made a difference in my life lately. (And don't judge the objects of my affection because I've already given thanks for health and friends and family and all that good crap.)

Thank you to the brilliant scheduling folks over at VH1, for running every single episode of America's Next Top Model back-to-back for an entire week. No matter what time I turned on the TV, I could always count on seeing a group of girls, strangely passed over by Mensa, ready to fight to the death over the most inane reasons. Not to mention getting to relive the evolution of Tyra, from seemingly-innocuous model to self-obsessed fame whore. Let's hope Project Runway doesn't do the same thing to Heidi.

Thank you to Liquid-Plumr for demolishing the clog in my bathtub, thereby saving me a call to maintenance and risking eviction for having two illegal, if not adorable, kittens.

Thank you to Bob Barker for retiring and thus giving Emma and me the kick in the pants needed to finally get out to LA to visit Josie. Insert bowed-head moment of silence for Bob here.

2006-12-13T18:01:00.000-05:00

There has been a box sitting in the lobby of my building for at least a week, seemingly unclaimed by its owner. Normally, you'd think "no big deal," right? Well, yes, except this box is from GODIVA! And it's big!! I bet there's some delicious chocolate giftbag inside. Or it could be a bomb. What to do.....what to do??! Frankly I find it pretty amazing that it has sat there this long. Who knew my neighbors were such honest Abes? Or are they all going through the silent torture I am? So many questions to answer, so little time to steal chocolate.

-------------------------------------------------------

"For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling."
--Paris Hilton re: Britney's recent behavior

In what language is that proper grammar? And what exactly are "partying ethics"?

2006-12-04T10:19:00.000-05:00

What do you see when you look at this face?

A curious kitten? Sweetness and light?? I'll tell you what I see-a suicidal basketcase just barely hanging on to this mortal coil!!! Why the hysterics, you ask? Well, just the other day as I was sitting at the computer, ol' Brick here pushed her way through the mini-blinds to sniff at the open (but screened) window. After a minute or so, I noticed my little pumpkinhead, who is usually distracted from the object of her attention by something as inconspicuous as a mouse click, was still on the other side of the blinds. When I finally pulled myself away from www.televisionwithoutpity.com, I saw that the little troublemaker had pushed herself through the screen and out onto the ledge, which is about a foot wide. As soon as I pulled the blinds up, it's like I was in a John Woo movie and time went all slo-mo as I grabbed for her. I think I actually heard myself say "Nooooooooo!" And the dummy actually fought me as I pulled her back in! I should have told her "ok, fine: drop down two stories if you want but you'll have to take yourself to the vet," but then I would have been someone who talks to her cat and expects a response and I think that point in my life isn't supposed to happen for another twenty years.

She must be some super-clever, super-strength cat seeing as how she successfully maneuvered the screen out of her way, because certainly her owner wouldn't have been so negligent as to not adequately check the screen's position. (This should in no way affect my future babysitting responsibilities) Maybe the producers of Heroes would be interested in her? I'm still trying to find out why she did it. Was it pure curiosity? Did she see an interesting birdie? Or does it run deeper? Was she trying to protest the lack of a father figure in the household? We may never know.

Just as exciting, I got a haircut on Saturday. And I got bangs!! Long, sideswept bangs, but bangs nonetheless. I went to a new place and the guy did a lovely job but about a quarter of a way through my blow-dry, he pawned me off on the shampoo girl to do a quick trim on a guy. She must be going through cosmetology school as we speak, because in the time it took him to cut some guy's hair, she had only dried about half my hair. And she was holding the hairdryer all awkward-like, not fancy like the pros do. Luckily he came back and knocked out the rest of the job in about 3 minutes.

Speaking of hair, has anyone heard from Shannon? Other than on this blog? Because I certainly haven't, despite SEVERAL voicemail messages. Does she even exist anymore? Is it some massive conspiracy in Georgia to cover up her demise and all the posts have just been from Brian as a way to throw me off track???

2006-10-31T15:54:00.000-05:00

Before anyone gets all crazy-like, let me first say: Don't worry my lovely readers. I haven't cheated on you with another blog. I was forced to do it! I was coerced during my time at Gitmo! Check this out to see what I sound like when I've been edited to sound all professional. My post is the one called "Campaigns Update." Catchy, I know. I wanted to add some flash and jazz about the world ending if so-and-so is not elected, but I guess that didn't come off as "accurate or reliable." Whatever. Notice, mine is the only post with an actual comment. And one I didn't even solicit. I'm sure it's a fluke but I'm going to take it as undeniable proof that I'm awesome. Feel free to post your own comment on that blog too, as long as it's on my, and only my, entry. But remember, don't add anything like "Love mom" to give yourself away.

Our office building had free doughnuts and bagels in the lobby this morning so I gathered a small posse to hit up the snack table. I was all "Stanley-from-The-Office-on-pretzel-day" about it too. If you haven't seen that episode, there are free pretzels available and Stanley, whose normal demeanor is like this:

turns all happy on pretzel day like this:

And so you can picture my face on free doughnut day. Except younger...and female...and white. It turns out that the doughnut I ate was potentially sent by the devil to destroy me from the inside out, because it made me feel nauseous for half the day. Just as Adam was tempted by the forbidden fruit, so I was tempted by the forbidden chocolate-iced chocolate doughnut. Perhaps my story will one day become fodder for children's bedtime stories also.

Speaking of TV, I hope you all had the pleasure of catching the Flavor of Love 2 reunion show on Sunday night. I can't remember the last time I saw such a fine hour of cable programming.

In traveling news, I'm proud to announce the location of the 3rd Annual Soloway Holiday Extravaganza (that kind of rhymes-I AM awesome). We've done the big hole (Grand Canyon), we've done the old buildings (Rome), now it's time for the glitz! We're going to Vegas!! True to form, as others are high-rolling it at the craps and poker tables, I will be studiously feeding my favorite nickel slot machine waiting to hit it big.

2006-10-19T19:35:00.000-04:00

Let's pretend I'm me and you're anybody I work with/for:

STOP GIVING ME WORK!!

Forgive me for channeling Scarlett, but a girl can only take so much. Jeez. Actually this is kind of a fun exercise. Let's continue.

I'm me and you're my cats: "Stop climbing my bare legs/arms/neck. I'm not an effing tree."

I'm me and you're the metro: "If I wanted to be crammed up against tons of smelly, icky weirdos, I'd be at a frat party."

I'm me and you're my hotmail account: "No I'm not interested in enhancing my length but thank you very much for asking."

I'm me and you're Jim Halpert: "I love you."

Speaking of television, I knew my addiction to Flavor of Love 2 reflected the majority of TV watchers. See for yourself. It's hard to be such a visionary but somehow I manage.

There's something else I meant to discuss with you but I have no idea what it is now. I'm sure I'll remember what it was just as I was about to formulate a plan for peace in the Middle East. Ah well, such is life.

By the way, did somebody gift me with a subscription to Elle Magazine? It started showing up in my mailbox a few months ago and I have no idea why? And it's not like I'm stealing it--the label has my name and address--although I wouldn't put it past me. I've got a long history of kleptomania; remind me to tell you about it sometime. Maybe Project Runway (sponsored by Elle) is trying to lure me to be a creative consultant on the show!! Sign me up!

2006-10-12T18:59:00.000-04:00

T. McAllister, you are my sworn enemy.

For once, the enormous, identity-crushing bureaucracy that is the D.C. government was working to my advantage. For three and a half years, my out-of-state plates were doing just fine. They were living the high-life; parking on unzoned streets, hanging out with the big-city-D.C. cars. And nobody noticed until freaking T. McAllister had to come by and ruin it all! Oh well, it was a sweet ride while it lasted. Who would have thought a city employee would actually care enough to ticket my innocent little Corolla.

Besides that, life is pretty good. Tonight is the first real cold night of the season and (most of) you know how much I love winter. There's no turning back. From here on out it's coats and scarves no matter what. This is what happens when I commit. By the way, my heater seems to have turned on all by itself. If anyone has any ideas of how to turn it off so that I don't burn down my apartment and my adorable babies, I'd appreciate the pointers. (That one goes out to you mom!)

Speaking of adorable babies, they're blossoming like the prettiest pretty princesses I knew they could be. See for yourself

I know that by putting in two more pictures of the cats, I run the risk of Lauren bitching about me becoming a crazy cat lady. And to that, all I can say is suck it!

2006-09-26T19:32:00.000-04:00

VICTORIA FALLS & BACK TO SOUTH AFRICA
Livingstone & Cape Town

There's nothing like squandering the precious time after an exciting event where people are actually interested in your trip details and then forcing them to read about it after they've lost any ounce of interest. So here you go!! (I'll try to make it quick)

I thought I'd make it quick and here I go starting with a small detail, but I have to say the 1.5 hour plane trip between Johannesburg and Victoria Falls is utterly delightful (Victoria Falls is on the border of Zambia and Zimbabwe for all of you challenged by African geography. I'd point and laugh at you but today I had to look at a map to distinguish Vermont from New Hampshire, so you know-glass houses and all). See look how happy we are:

Even though the trip is the same amount of time for a flight from say Raleigh to Boston where you're lucky if they let you get up to use the bathroom, on British Airways they actually give you food. And it was tasty!! And you top it all off with a view of Victoria Falls from the air. What could be better?

Approximately 15 minutes after arriving at the hotel in Victoria Falls, Ime strolls up to Emma and me and says he booked us (him and me-Emma's no fool) to go bungi jumping in about 45 minutes. Now to be fair, I had already told him I'd do it but I was like "can a girl get a shower first?" Apparently not.

We made our way down to the bridge that you jump off of and that joins Zambia and Zimbabwe. Ime was a champ but as we later found out it was all false confidence. I cannot tell a lie--I was about to pee in my pants. This is about how sure I was:

Clearly Ime's false confidence was working just fine.

Here we are having survived our death-defying jump. I think it's safe to say we were both on a pretty big high. This jump was so scary that I was having nightmares the evening AFTER we jumped.

The next day we had our "Day of Adrenaline"--activities not quite as horrifying as bungi jumping, but nauseating nonetheless. Here is the greatest picture of Emma you will ever see. If possible try and enlarge it to get a really good look at her face.

This was on the Gorge Swing and shortly after this picture was snapped, Emma let out a scream so guttural, so earnest, and so utterly from the depths of her soul that the next time anyone hears it she will be birthing a child.

After two days of adventure, we finally made it to the actual Falls and they're just as amazing as you'd expect them to be. Even in the dry season. I could torture you all with the multitudes of pictures Ime made us take but I'll just give you this nice one of all three of us.

Interestingly enough, the guys who took this picture were the same ones we overheard calling our hotel a "glorified motel." Now maybe we're all just a bunch of yokels but we found the hotel lovely. What a couple of jerks. But they take a damn fine picture.

After four days, we headed back to South Africa and the gorgeous Cape Town. Weirdly, the area we stayed in, which was right on the beach, looked exactly like South Beach. I half expected Diddy to show up and either shoot a video or have a shoot-out. We took multiple tours to the Cape of Good Hope, Cape Point, Hermanus, etc. Here's what you need to know about that--the tip of Africa is very very windy. In preparation you should just shave your head and save yourself hours of detangling later. Our tour guide, Jonathan, was hilarious for many reasons, but mostly for sneaking us into tourist spots so we didn't have to pay the fees (which forever endeared him to Emma) and, when speaking about crime in Cape Town, saying "murder--that's life."

Alas, it was my last night so we decided to forgo the frozen pizzas and actually pony up the money for a real dinner. After driving around for 20 minutes trying to find a specific curry place (Jonathan's last parting gift-a restaurant that doesn't exist) we settled on this place and chowed down. The naan was yummy.

And so we said good-bye to Africa and hello to the US.

Emma, am I missing anything good?

2006-09-10T21:31:00.000-04:00

SOUTH AFRICA
Johannesburg

So, I'm about two hours late arriving to our hotel in Johannesburg, which was absolutely NOT my fault. A late plane and ridiculously long customs line were to blame, but I don't think those excuses were of any comfort to Emma and Ime who had been waiting for me in the lobby for those 2 hours. When I finally get there, we make our way to the Apartheid museum which was serious and sombering and all the things it should be. It was also the spot where I got my first glimpse of the picture whore Ime turned out to be. Just imagine, you're walking through exhibit after exhibit, all dedicated to the injustices imposed on anyone whose skin was not as lily white as mine, and this is what we do:

I can feel your shame through the internet and yes, I share it.

After that, we took a tour of the Soweto township which is huge and much more diverse than you realize. There were parts of it that could pass for any middle class suburb in the US, with the exception of an electrified fence around them all. The nicer ones looked like this:

The not so nice ones were more like this:

That was definitely an interesting experience. It was this weird mix of wanting to go into these areas because they're so different from anything I've ever seen, a bit of fear as a total outsider, and hesitation to take pictures or stare too long for fear of treating the people who live here like they're some exhibit at the zoo, rather than people living their lives.

And then our tour guy tried to shake us down for an extra $25 but Ime stayed strong at the price we agreed on. (Quick tip for you women traveling to Africa: put away your feminist sensibilities and let the men in your group do any of the negotiating, paying, etc.. It helps if that guy is like 6'5" and 220 lbs, but work with what you got.)

It's bright and early for us the next day as we head out to Pilanesburg, about two hours outside of Johannesburg, for our safari. The drive there was memorable for two reasons: 1. We were having tea in the hotel when the tour guide arrived and was all "take your time" so we lingered another 5 or 10 minutes over the tea while he himself had a cup. As we get out to the car, there are three other people waiting while we were just chilling inside! I would have been so mad if I were them. and 2. We stopped at a gas station and I went in and got what I thought was a cheese pie (throwback to my time in Greece) and as I bit into it, I got a mouthful of gross, greasy sausage. It was so unappealing even Ime wouldn't touch it. I swore vengeance on that Quick Stop and if I'm ever there again, I'll have it.

Anywho, we got to the national park and to be honest, I didn't think we were going to see much wildlife. Luckily I was pleasantly surprised. It was the second safari for Emma and me but it was Ime's first, so he was taking twenty pictures of every animal we came across. He got pretty testy at the end when his battery died and he wasn't able to take pictures of the only giraffe we saw on the safari as well as the "elusive black rhino" that crossed the street right in front of us. Adding to the wound were all the pictures of warthogs and wildebeests he had taken, which are a dime a dozen out there.

The highlight of the safari was getting surrounded by elephants in the middle of the road. They were seriously about 5 feet from the car. And HUGE. See, look:

That's not on zoom folks.

Just after this picture was taken, they started staring us down and our awesome tour guide, Cromwell, told us all to sit still and not move; an order most of us obeyed because Cromwell clearly knew his stuff when it came to wildlife. Ime, on the other hand, decided to stick his head out the window and take some more pictures, at which point Emma, fearing death by stomping, yelled "Sit down, THIS IS NOT A ZOO!!" A chastised Ime did sit back down and luckily the elephants left without incident, but there might have been the tiniest bit of urine under our seats.

South Africa, part 2 coming soon. I gotta go watch Flavor of Love. I mean, C-SPAN.

2006-09-07T22:37:00.000-04:00

I know, I haven't even started on the South Africa blog and I'll definitely get to it because it was an amazing trip but right now I have much more pressing news. I got kittens!!! Two to be exact. A coworker of a friend found them underneath her lawn mower and was gonna give them to the pound so I had to take them! There was no other option. They're effing adorable.

See, I told you they were. They're still super young and not that steady on their feet so they wobble around like they just left a $2 margarita happy hour. They're my little hobo kitties.

Now, the problem is I go to the vet on Sunday and, although I've tried, I can't make out the genders. Don't judge me-their anatomies are very small at this age.

So, I need names people. Put those thinking caps on and let me hear it.

2006-08-17T09:10:00.000-04:00

I've already left on a jet plane but I do know when I'll be back again. Aug. 30th. Please send all welcome home gifts after that date so I can sign for them. Thanks!

I'm currently sitting in what could be confused with heaven but is actually the British Airways lounge at Heathrow. Free food and drink (good food), free internet, comfy seats, people cleaning up after you. Maybe I will start believing in an afterlife if it'll be like this. Although, I guess that means hell is the crowded, loud, dirty main terminal. Shudder.

As most of you know, I'm on my way to meet Emma and Ime in South Africa for our excellent adventure. So there likely won't be much blogging for the next two weeks but I'll load this thing up with pictures when I get back. Should anything unexpected happen on my way there or back, that is anything besides plane go up smoothly-plane go down smoothly, I bequeath my most valuable belongings (Teddy, Marc Jacobs shoes, purses) to my favorite little poppyseed.

So far I haven't had too many interesting stories to report on travels. Everything's been fairly calm and routine. The most memorable thing I've got is the gross guy on the train between terminals at Heathrow who proceeded with the crotch scratch, nose pick, AND nail bite--in that order! If it were me, I probably would have reversed it but whatever.

Ok, I'm off to do some shopping...er, I mean read the newspaper.

2006-08-06T21:15:00.000-04:00

Allright Trader Joe's, things between us have been going pretty well so far. I'll admit, when we first met, I was a little put off. I thought you were some organic-selling, no-name-brand-having, hippie co-op chain. But I gave you a second try and I've never looked back. And things have been going swimmingly. You keep your prices down and your shelves stocked with chocolate-covered pretzels and I overlook the Hawaiian shirt uniforms and extreme cheeriness of the checkout cashiers, who are clearly higher than Johnny Depp's cheekbones. But I've got a bone to pick with you:

What kind of thank you is this?? Those strawberries were only in my fridge for two-ish weeks. I finally start to ease up on my "no fruit as a dessert" rule and purchase your seemingly fine produce, and this is what happens?!! To paraphrase Heathers, I got paid in mold! Not cool, Trader Joe's. Not cool at all. From now on I'll stick to my Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. I know for sure neither Ben nor Jerry would ever jeopardize our relationship in such a heinous fashion. Good day sir.

I said good day!

2006-07-29T19:46:00.000-04:00

What is Xena's calling card when she comes to town? Somehow talking you into seeing a terrible, terrible teen movie. So last night I joined her and Meera at the opening night of "John Tucker Must Die." Yeah, I didn't know the full title offhand either. Must you ask how awful it was? I can't decide which was more ridiculous: the constant mentions of the big "away game" or Ashanti trying to act. For a brief time, I thought something must be wrong with me because the movie was actually getting some laughs from the audience. Later I realized we were a good 12 years older than the other viewers, whose brains haven't yet fully developed, so that made me feel a little bit better. Although I do think there was a solid 10 minute period there where I actually died, due to brain atrophy. I just saw an ad for it on tv calling it the "Mean Girls of this year." I've watched Mean Girls, I've laughed at Mean Girls, you sir, are no Mean Girls.

But if my sacrifice can save just one person from watching this "movie" it will have all been worth it. So be forewarned-if you see this poster:

RUN!!!

I just finished watching the weekend edition of Jeopardy (my nerd certification is in the mail), and there was a total moron on named, appropriately, "Cliff." In addition to just generally being a massive tool, "Cliff" was prone to the fist pump. Now the fist pump isn't inherently bad--some of my best friends will pull it out on occasion (I'm looking in your direction AM). But here's a little tip "Cliff," from me to you: when your answer is "What is AIDS," you should probably leave that fist in its holster. Just a thought.

2006-07-21T10:20:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how widely known this is, but last night Union Station in DC was shut down for about three hours. I saw the message on the electronic sign as I was getting on the metro late last night but it said "Union Station closed due to police situation" so naturally I thought somebody just got shot. Then I actually started thinking and figured they wouldn't close the whole station because one person got shot (ahh, the joys of a city), so I started making up a story in my head of a gang war breaking out right in Union Station--the coffee machines in Starbucks getting caught in the crossfire, the delicious Auntie Anne's pretzels riddled with bullets, the walls of Au Bon Pain stained with orange juice. It wasn't a pretty (pretend) picture.

Anywho, I get home and the story is on the 11 o'clock news. Apparently the station was closed and evacuated because of a suspicious package left in the Amtrak baggage claim. They eventually reported that it was nothing, although the suspicious part is that after about an hour or so, they started hustling the already evacuated people farther away from the building and across the street. The hilarious part is that the news actually had footage of this and while the police officers are mildly yelling at the people to back up, with a noticeable amount of panic in their voices, the evacuees are casually strolling along like they're at a parade. They were more annoyed at not being able to finish their frappuccinos than potentially being blown up. And it's not like this kind of thing happens every month--it was a total shutdown of a major metro and train station for 3 hours! Oh, how I love my fellow city-dwellers. That's the kind of jaded thinking you can't buy.

On a lighter note, who here has seen the Dave Chappelle "Lost episodes?" No wonder he skipped out and didn't want them aired-I personally think they've kind of sucked. The first one held a few chuckles but I don't think I even cracked a smile during the second episode. Luckily it looks like he'll redeem himself on the third with a fantabulous Cribs send-up. If not, I'll just go buy the second season DVD and put it on a constant loop.

Hey Shannon--Happy early birf-a-day!!!

2006-07-10T12:03:00.000-04:00

Just to warn you, this post has absolutely no coherent theme, motif, or narrative. It's kind of like the "potpourri" category on Jeopardy, without the moderately obnoxious voiceover from Alex Trebek.

A couple of posts ago, I lamented the end of the television season in great detail. However, last night felt like old times, what with a new Chappelle Show, a new Reno 911 (which lent this blog its name-moment of gratitude), a new Entourage, and one of my favorite South Park episodes. While two hours of TV watching is nowhere near a record for me (or let's face it, an average) it was a nice end to a similarly lazy weekend.

The earlier half of the weekend involved a "goodbye to DC" night out for Lauren, since she's moving back to NC this coming weekend. The place we went to was itself a perfectly nice dance club, but I can't say the same for its neighborhood. I figured my evaluation of the surroundings was correct when, as we were leaving, the cab driver was telling us to hurry up and get in the car. You can imagine the kind of confidence that was inspiring, but we managed to make it out in one piece. The club recently changed its name (from the lame "Dream" to the lamer "Love"-I know, I know) and Lauren's theory is because someone got shot there, but she has absolutely nothing to back up this claim. She just thinks it sounds good.

There's a Belle & Sebastian album called "Fold your hands child, you walk like a peasant." I think that may be the greatest album name ever! I've got to figure out a way to work that line into normal conversation....hmmm, that's gonna be a tough one.

2006-06-30T12:15:00.000-04:00

Let me begin this post with a big, fat EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Yesterday was basically a perfect storm of awesomeness. Try and follow this set of events:

I've been saving up air miles for a while in preparation to go on a fabulous trip to South Africa with Emma. We figured out the dates a couple of weeks ago and when I tried to get my *free* ticket, they could only get me a flight to South Africa, but not one coming back in a reasonable enough amount of time to prevent me from being fired. I reserved the flight to SA with hopes that a return trip would open up before my reservation expired. Well, after calling almost every day for two weeks, I gave it one last shot yesterday, THE DAY THE RESERVATION EXPIRED! And what do you know-the agent at American found a flight on the exact dates I wanted. The slight hitch is it's a business class seat. While I am in no way opposed to business class on a moral level, it requires a significantly greater number of miles than I currently own. However, due to the immense generosity of two people I call "mommy" and "matt" we're pooling our miles so I can get it! Yippee!!! Now I don't have to pony up the money for a regular ticket (although I would have-how can you skip out on a trip to South Africa??) and maybe I'll get free toiletries. Actually, the best part can be summed up in two words---"leg" and "room."

While the above is certainly fantastic news, you may ask how does that equal a "perfect storm of awesomeness?" Well, two reasons:
1. It finally stopped raining yesterday and I was able to come home with dry feet
2. After said ticket was reserved and I was feeling pretty good, there seemed to be an endless loop of power ballads on the radio to make my walk home that much more enjoyable. Which is better, I ask you: a walk home listening to cars and buses honking or listening to "Don't stop believin'" by the always enjoyable Journey? I know my answer.

Dudes-in a month and a half, I'll be here

2006-06-13T16:08:00.000-04:00

I participated in ANOTHER music focus group last night, so basically if you're coming to the DC metropolitan area in the near future, you'll be listening to what I like to listen to. "And all was right with the world."

It was a dial focus group where they played long sessions of 8 seconds of different songs right after each other and you turn the dial between 0 (lowest) and 100 (highest) depending on how much you loathe/love the song. Now, in my opinion, a ratings system is of no use without a very top and very bottom standard. Luckily I established them pretty early. At the first hint of Belinda Carlisle, I turned that sucker up to 100 because heaven IS a place on earth. I knew even before the session started what my definition of 0 was and sure enough, not 5 minutes into it, that freaking "I hope you dance" song came on. Not to sound like too much of a NC hick, but i turned the dial down to 0 right quick. From then on, it was a pretty good mix of crap and enjoyable song snippets. Anything by Madonna started out with an automatic 60, while pre-1995 Bon Jovi hits landed in the 90-100 range. Conversely, anything by Dave Matthews Band or Hootie was relegated to the below 20 group, if not 10. (Before anyone starts getting all uppity, it was all pop music so these were my only options)

Want to hear a deep, dark confession? When they played "When I see you smile" by the fine folks of Bad English I laughed out loud and shamefacedly turned the notch to 90! What can I say? It's a nostalgic fave from my formative years. Which reminds me of an interesting, if not lame, dilemma. I was in the car the other day and was faced with having to choose between "When I see you smile" and "Patience." I was in a pickle! It was like Sophie's Choice. I ultimately went with Patience because I always did like how Axl did the snake move. And I like to whistle along.

Before the focus group, I stopped into Anthropologie (what? It was nearby and I was early!! Stop judging me.) and was faced with a most unfamiliar feeling. I had absolutely no desire to buy anything. ANYTHING. AT ANTHROPOLOGIE! That's like going to a goat cheese store and not wanting any of their goat cheese (see last blog). This could be serious. I think I need a doctor. Oh wait, Emma's coming up this weekend. She's close enough.

2006-06-10T19:43:00.000-04:00

I realized this morning that I have four, separate containers of goat cheese in my fridge. All different brands and all opened so that I could have a taste. Is that weird??

Good, I didn't think so.

2006-06-05T12:58:00.000-04:00

A week at the beach and a wedding are apparently enough to kick my ass because I am freaking tired. But don't fret, I've been extremely productive at work today. Absolutely. No doubt about it.

I'll post more about the beach and wedding later but had to jot these two things down before I forgot them. The bookends of any trip to NC are the drive down and back up and I am always blessed (love puns!) with some ridiculous religious anecdote, courtesy of the many Christian radio stations in southern Virginia/northern NC. Well, this time I've got two! And yes, I'm obviously more hostile to religion than your average schmo but anyone with half a sense of humor has to find these things hilarious, no matter how many Virgin Mary pictures you've got hanging in your house.

Ok, the first was just the promo break for some radio station in god-knows-where Virginia. It was "Get your praise on at 104.7. The inspiration station."..........Seriously? I realize any organization needs to be conscious of recruiting new members, hence the moronic attempt at popular vernacular, but come on. Christianity has been around for 2000 years--they're pretty much past the "word of mouth" stage, in terms of publicity, so there's no need to resort to slang.

The second is the real cherry on top though. And let me preface this by telling you that I have tried and tried to find a picture of it but alas, Google images has failed me. Anywho, on US 1, somewhere in Henderson, NC there is this church called "Freedom Life CHURCH ON FIRE" and they've got one of those tall fast-food signs that displays the church name and a message and underneath the name are actual flames painted on the sign! The message this time was "Stop, drop, and roll doesn't work in hell."

Now, A) Why do churches have these signs? Everytime I see one I feel like it should be saying "Biggie fries-now only $.99" and B) WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!!! If they're trying to use the prospect of eternal hellfire as a deterrent to sinning, well they've failed with me. Now I'm more curious than ever about a place where the fine teachings of NC Fire Dept officials are no longer valid. Maybe "Just say no" doesn't work in hell either?

Finally, a big shout-out to Anne-Marie (and Eph) who are back with us stateside after a year in Greece. I'm happy to have you guys back but I'll always remember your former home fondly if for no other reason than it introduced me to the glorious cheese pie.

2006-05-26T10:03:00.000-04:00

And so it begins. The television season is over and I start working my way through the five stages of grief:

1. Denial-"What are you talking about, of course there's going to be a new episode of The Office on next Thursday. They would never show us a Jim/Pam kiss and then make us wait months for a resolution!"

2. Anger-"Son of a bee sting! I have to wait on pins and needles to see if Locke and Eko are alive but I can see all I want of 'So you think you can dance?' (Shannon-no way am I watching that crap-not for all the chocolate-covered pretzels in the world)

3. Bargaining-"Look here ABC, you give me a sneak peek at some Grey's Anatomy episodes and I'll make it worth your while."

4. Depression-"Why have you forsaken me?

5. Acceptance-"Oh well, I guess I have to get a life sometime. At least I've always got One Life to Live. Is there nothing that soap operas can't fix?!"

I realize only Josie and AM will be able to appreciate the following but I was walking down the street yesterday and "From a Distance" came on the radio. I was having such a hard time controlling myself that I started tearing up from all the effort to keep from laughing hysterically. Oh yes, God is watching us.

I'll be at the beach with the fam this week (and more importantly with this little beauty----->) so no blogging for a while, although that's really nothing new right? Then it's off to Chapel Hill where my pal Lauren will finally make an honest man out of Brian at what is sure to be a beautiful wedding. Lauren, if you still read this, CONGRATULATIONS!! I hope you like my present!

P.S.-Shannon, don't let my mom's comments on the last blog freak you out. It's just the written equivalent of her cat voice. As far as I know, she has no immediate plans to kidnap Baxter. But just to be safe, you may want to consider installing a security system.

2006-05-15T15:58:00.000-04:00

I got some constructive criticism from an anonymous source (although I can say that we emerged from the same womb and it wasn't Matthew-any guesses?) that the specifics of my lunch routine don't exactly qualify as late-breaking news. Fair enough-after all, only my belly can really appreciate a restaurant's renewed devotion to creamy goat cheese.

How's this for earth-shattering news that everyone can enjoy. I just found out that one of the interns in my office graduated high school with John Krasinski, who plays loveable Jim on The Office and is, unbeknownst to him, my TV boyfriend.

After interrogating her on when she was going to introduce us (no seriously, WHEN!), she said that their 10-year reunion is coming up next year. So you all know what I'll be doing next summer in Newton, MA. I don't care how it happens but I have to meet Jim. That's right, the character on tv not the actual person.

Hmm, I guess that news is also only really relevant to me. I'm starting to feel a bit self-centered here......Eh, I'm good with that.

Still no apartment pictures but as soon as my parents come up this weekend and bring back some of the stuff that's crowding up the joint I'll have them up!

2006-05-04T09:29:00.000-04:00

After some review, it's clear this blog has taken on a decidedly Seinfeldian tone, what with all the attention to the excruciating minutiae of my everyday life. So why change things now? Some of the blogs I read focus on important current events, like the horrendous immigration bill or the tanking of the GOP. What is this entry about: my lunch. The most exciting part of my week was discovering that one of my favorite lunch places, after a too-long boycott, is back on the list of yummy eateries. My favorite meal was pasta with marinara and goat cheese (of course!) and all of a sudden they switched from the creamy, delicious goat cheese that melts like butter to some crappy version that melts like mozarella cheese and it was total crap! Thankfully they recently came to their senses and switched back. I think we can all rest a little easier at night now, right? I know I can.

What, you weren't impressed with that? It's not like I'm trying to recreate the Da Vinci Code here. Not that I read that. I try to stay away from anything that I see in the hands of more than 50% of metro riders.

Hey, guess what! I kind of have a real job now. I'm going to all these meetings out of the office and learning stuff and crap. Lately I've been to a bunch of things where there were Congressmen/women present and it's no wonder they get a God complex. Seemingly normal, well-adjusted people turn into blubbering sycophants when they see one. It's not like they're having a Jared Leto sighting or anything. Now that would be something!!

For my fellow Dukies: I had dinner with Christina tonight (though she'll always be Xena to me). She's working on her PhD and putting us all to shame. Xena, feel free to address your public in the comments section.

That's about it. I'll put up pictures of my new place when it starts looking presentable and not like something out of the lower 9th Ward. Too soon for a Katrina joke??

Finally, a big shout out to Shannon. She's making her way back to the great state of Georgia this weekend. She'll be sipping sweet tea in no time. Drive safe: don't be a hero! Baxter, you are my little gentleman.

Edited to add: I almost had to bitch slap someone last night, which is when I originally typed this post. For some reason it wasn't posting and it was 11:30 and I was close to hurtling the computer out the window. Luckily I was able to recover the post and put it up this morning because, as I now live alone again, the only person around to bitch slap is me!

2006-04-06T17:34:00.000-04:00

An occasional perk of this new job is getting to go to interesting events/lectures/trainings that the important people at work can't go to, so they ask me to cover for them. I'm basically the Andre Buckner here. Oooh, actually let's stay away from Duke references for now (I've already ranted enough about Duke for one day). Let's just say I'm like the Secretary of Agriculture in the line of succession. Anywho, last night I went to a screening of an HBO documentary on global warming that airs on Earth Day, naturally. You remember global warming, right? It's going to make this happen:

I won't comment too much on the actual documentary other than to say it kind of sucked. Really HBO? I know you're trying to educate people but a lot of us learned this stuff in 4th grade. Let's work on persuasion, not just education mmkay? But who cares about the learnin'-there were celebrities to behold. Well, DC celebrities anyway. Senators Lieberman & McCain were there as well as some Congressmen and Mayor Williams. But the awesome part was the presence of several Kennedys, including RFK Jr. and his mommy Ethel. I may be a big dork (strike that may be, replace with am), but seeing a Camelot era Kennedy was pretty exciting.

A not so fun aspect of this job is telling campaigns that we aren't going to endorse them. It's not so bad when you're not planning on endorsing anyone but it's particularly uncomfortable when you have to tell them that you're endorsing their opponent. AWKWARD! So I decided to follow up those calls with ones to all the candidates we are supporting to end the day on a high note. They're so happy and nice to me, and that's all I really ask of a person is to be nice to me. And shower me with praise and gifts. Is that so wrong?

2006-03-22T11:29:00.000-05:00

"They're working me like a two-dollar hooker on a 99 cent special."

Sorry for the blue humor, but many moons ago, I heard Damon Wayans utter that line in a comedy special and wasn't sure I'd ever be in the position to use it. But sure enough, the last two weeks were more than deserving of the above quote. Basically, as I mentioned in a previous post, I had a ton of work to do on a tight deadline that had me coming into work two weekends in a row, staying every weeknight until 9:30, and missing a trip home where I could have had yummy catered food c/o Jennifer. I realize that's nothing a lot of you haven't already done, and it's certainly not working in a coal mine or Kabul, but it still sucked. Anywho, it actually worked out ok as yesterday I ended up getting fairly significant praise for all the work. And if I am any kind of whore at all, it's definitely a praise whore. Seriously. I'm like a trained puppy.

In other news, it has been super windy in DC lately and the other day I was walking behind this woman who got SMACKED in the face by a low hanging tree branch (luckily for her it was a small one) and then it got caught in her hair. I resisted the urge to chuckle because if My Name is Earl has taught me anything, it's that Karma has a photographic memory. And if I were to laugh at that woman's misfortune, as I walked by the very same tree it would start attacking me "Wizard of Oz" style.

According to two, independent sources, my brother looks like Ace from American Idol. What say you all??

2006-03-09T09:54:00.000-05:00

I know I made it sound like the last metro rant was the last but so many weird things happen on public transportation that I just can't let it go. I was riding home last night and the train was about 3/4 full. All of a sudden I hear this constant metal clicking sound, recognizable to any human being as a fingernail clipper. I'm pretty sure my face morphed into a look like I'd just seen someone drop kick a puppy. Honestly, who clips their nails in public?? Just bite your fingernails like the rest of us.

Also freakish is when you see the same person on your way home that you saw as you were heading to work. It's this constant sense of deja vu. There's this particularly odd woman I always see and I remember her because she walks kind of like a giraffe. And I totally don't mean that in a bad way but she really does walk like a giraffe. She's super tall (not that there's anything wrong with that!!) and bends slightly forward at the waist and is kind of bow-legged. She's pretty hard to miss.

For those of you keeping up with news of the absurd in the entertainment world, here you go: Bobby Brown was arrested this week in Webster, GA for motor-vehicle violations dating back 14 years. After being detained for an hour, he was released on $40 bond. That's right-$40, not $400, or $4000. He's really slipping away from his badass image. Pretty soon he'll be teaching kindergarterners how to spell "prerogative."

Oh yeah, one last thing. These blogs aren't going to comment on themselves people! Get to typing.

2006-03-03T11:55:00.000-05:00

I just got a boatload of work to do between now and next tuesday, during which I'm planning on taking 2 days off to go here:

And like any respectable procrastinator, I made my To Do list and am now wallowing in how much I have to do. I figure I'll wallow for another 10 minutes or so before actually proceeding. It's how I work people. Don't you dare judge me.

So, in the meantime I have two things to discuss/get off my chest:

First, on Tuesday I'll be participating in one of capitalism's greatest creations-the paid focus group. $85 for my opinions on music in the DC area plus snacks? Done! It was surprising, however, how lax the phone interviewer was. In the past when I've been called about a focus group, they ask you questions to see if you're right for the study and are pretty neutral about what they're looking for so it's just good luck if you fall in the right categories. When I spoke to this woman she basically told me what to say so I was like "sure, I love DC 101.1. whatever you say lady." I have no shame. I might agree with Nazi propaganda if I was assured $85. J/K!! And speaking of music, Grey's Anatomy, whether you like the show or not, has an awesome soundtrack. Every monday I go to work and download half the songs they used on the previous night's episode. I recommend you do the same if you want me to keep speaking to you.

Secondly, it's been a while since I've had a good metro rant so here goes: To all the men who ride public transportation, do us all a favor and STOP SPREADING YOUR LEGS WIDE OPEN!! I know, I know, you are strong like bull and we must all gaze upon your genital superiority but for the love of god, there is only so much physical contact with strangers I can take before wanting to stomp on your toes, and then of course run away. Because I am nothing if not a big chicken.

2006-02-28T09:42:00.000-05:00

MARCH 23rd

What does that day mean to you? Thanks to our friends at Wikipedia, I found out it's the anniversary of:
1. Patrick Henry's "give me liberty or give me death" speech (1775)
2. The first recorded use of "ok" as an abbreviation for "oll korrect" in the Boston Morning Post (1839)
3. The birthdays of Joan Crawford, Akira Kurosawa, and Ric Ocasek (1905, 1910, 1949, respectively)

However, right now I couldn't care less about the above. Because on March 23rd, 2006.....the Giant right next to my house is reopening!! That's right folks, rejoice in the glory that is a nearby grocery store. Imagine it-bin after bin of fresh produce, row upon row of milk and juice, racks and racks of trashy tabloids. It's like the gods on Mt. Olympus heard my pleas and decided "well, we've kept her single this long. The least we could do is reopen the Giant."

Now, I know what you're thinking. Big deal, it's a freaking grocery store. So true, and yet so false. To quote George Harrison, "it's been a long, cold, lonely winter." And I can't count the number of times I've had cheese sandwiches, quesadillas, or stuffing for dinner because that's the only thing in my fridge/cupboard and I haven't made it to a supermarket in 3 weeks. Now I have no excuse not to eat a healthy, satisfying meal every night--except I hate to cook and I can't get Shannon to make me anything. But whatever, details.

So yes, rest assured that if you do come to visit me the food will be plentiful. And don't worry, I'll still make the weekend treks to Trader Joe's just for the chocolate covered pretzels. Those things are like crack.

Seacrest OUT!

2006-02-14T18:00:00.000-05:00

You know what's a fun game and in no way excruciatingly long and/or geeky? RISK. I played that this weekend with Lauren, Brian, Shannon, & Alex (I just realized I'm physically unable to say their names in any different order-weird). Now if you know any of us, you can probably figure out where this ended up, but I'll fill you in anyway. Lauren "the kamikaze" was the first one out after a failed attempt to wrestle North America from Brian. If only she'd had the support of the natives. In true American style, she held on to her Middle East interests until the bitter end. Shannon was fairly omnipresent in Eastern Asia but suffered from diminished troop levels and quit the game to go knit. I, apparently, missed my calling as a military strategist and layed low in Europe until I was strong enough to take over Africa and most of the former Soviet bloc. And then I quit because of the aforementioned geekiness and boredom that started to overtake me. Plus it was freaking 1AM.

Although quitting a game isn't the most mature thing to do, I have to believe it's a step up from my normal approach to competition which mainly consists of bitching and whining if I'm losing and COMPLETELY lording it over you if I'm winning. It's who I am.

Was this at all interesting? It's ok, you can say no. I won't be hurt. Much. I guess board games of world domination are like golf-more fun to play than watch. If it helps, just imagine the Seinfeld episode where Kramer and Newman are playing RISK. "The Ukraine is weak my friend."

2006-02-01T17:41:00.000-05:00

What's that? Oh, sorry. I couldn't hear you with the door shut in MY OFFICE!! That's right bitches, they've given me an office to go with my spanking new promotion. I think working somewhere that is completely enclosed and features a hinged door (no more bead curtains!) means I've completely entered adulthood. Adultdom? Adultness? Clearly my vocabulary has not improved. Actually, I take it back. Being an adult must mean that you don't bring along your laundry when you drive 250 miles to visit your family just so you can save $3.

In honor of Dwight Schrute, I will put up a sign that calls it my workspace while still calling it my office, only to be mocked by fellow co-workers. If you didn't see that episode of The Office, you're missing out. (Those of you out of the country and forced to watch neverending showings of Jean Claude Van-Damme flicks are excused)

Anyone who is concerned about my eternal damnation/karmic quality will be happy to know that Erica and I have Feng Shui-ed it up. My abundance corner is overflowing with goodies and my knowledge corner has a picture of Duke. Don't worry Jennifer, I'm working on my intimacy corner (at Erica's aghast look I removed the Far Side cartoon that featured a crashing plane-I'm still learning!!).

So that's that. I'm just a hop, skip and a jump from the cushy corner office. Well, a hop, skip, jump and about 20 years.

2006-01-17T21:32:00.000-05:00

My fridge is fully stocked and the cat is all played out. Why you ask? No, it's not some weird cat-loving, food-buying thief. My parents were in town this weekend and it was action packed. Thanks for the groceries guys!

See, that's my paparazzi shot (courtesy of Shannon) as I'm cruising the salsa aisle. I prefer medium in case you were wondering.

I told you it was exciting.

Actually it was fabulous. We kicked it off with an afternoon viewing of Les Miserables. I know it's a big, cliche, overblown musical but I can't help it. I LOVE IT. Cosette is such an annoyingly goody-goody character. Eponine is so much better. We're so alike. I too am On My Own. It makes me wish I was a French Revolutionary just so I could sing an uplifting song while rising up against my oppressors. Do you hear the people sing? Well, do you???

We also went to the Spy Museum which was ridiculously crowded. Information about covert operations and torture does not mix well with prolonged exposure to pre-teens because it just gives me ideas for when said pre-teens start to annoy me too much. Luckily I left before acquiring any felony charges but not before one of those little bastards passed on a cold to me. Stupid kids. What? I love the babies! The children are our future.

It seems my parents were a big hit. Alex misses you guys. Baxter walks around all day looking for someone to play with him. Shannon cries nonstop. It's a different world without you here.

As I'm writing this, Tyra Banks is on interviewing Naomi Campbell about their rivalry. It was so hard for Tyra you guys. You don't understand the kind of hardships she's had to struggle through. Thank god we have her life experience and years of hard-won wisdom to counsel us through these troubled times.

2005-12-22T11:59:00.001-05:00

I think I entered some bizarro alternate universe earlier this week. I was flipping through the channels (naturally) and stopped on CNN for a minute because there was someone from the Humane Society on Larry King Live. The shot was focused on the guest and offscreen you could hear the host ask his next question. I thought "that doesn't sound like Larry King" but I couldn't figure out who it was. Next thing you know, they pan over to the guest host and it's none other than Ryan freaking Seacrest. Frosted tips and all. In what dimension does it seem reasonable that Ryan Seacrest is hosting Larry King Live. Not that I am any fan of LK but at least he has those awesome glasses.

In other news, I'm a big loser-twice over. Stop agreeing with that statement before you hear the entire story and let me explain. Erica and I decided to put up a few lights in our cubicles in honor of Santa/the Hanukkah Armadillo. We noticed our friends down the hall in Development had a few decorations as well. Not content to let everyone just have fun, I goaded them into turning our decorating into a contest and so began the first, and probably last, LCV Holiday Cubicle Decorating Contest-or LCVHCDC (we're working on the acronym). With limited monetary resources but lots of time, we came up with the following:

Gaudy? The hell you say. While the perfectly symmetrical tree and cozy fireplace are my works of art, the plastic window was all Erica's genius. And yet somehow we lost. I know, I'm shocked too! Somehow I'll just have to console myself while IN ROME! Take that suckers. (Those of you who know me well will realize my obnoxious bravado is just a shield covering up my pain. My inner child is really crying inside)

Unless something terribly interesting happens between now and tomorrow evening, this may very well be the last blog of 2005 and to this past year I say "good riddance!" Honestly, between hurricanes, earthquakes, mass genocide, and Ashlee Simpson I don't know that I could have taken much more of it.

2005-12-12T11:04:00.000-05:00

Greece-Part 2 (Does anybody still care??)

I've decided to do away with the labeling of days. Why should I be tied down to some rigid, formal method of storytelling when stream-of-consciousness writing is so much more interesting. Plus I can't remember that much detail anymore. What can I say, it's been two weeks. My mind is mush. So what follows are the highlights of the rest of the trip.

Warning: The following story is not suitable for those under 17.
One day on the way back from Syntagma Square, the three of us were cutting through the National Gardens on the way back to AM's place. If you've been reading AM's blog, you know the Greeks seem to have a penchant for public weirdness and this was our first glimpse. We were walking next to the racewalkers' track (a whole other subset of weirdness) as well as a bunch of benches spaced maybe 15 feet apart. Oh, I should probably use the metric system. I meant 5 yards. Anywho, we see this old couple on one of the benches we're nearing and it seemed harmless enough. The man was kind of nuzzling the woman's face and vice versa. We think, "oh how sweet, an older couple still in love." Think again people. As we pass them, the first thing I see is the woman's bare leg. Wait, let me amend that to say bare thigh. Her calf was firmly encased in a knee-high stocking. The man's hand is much farther north than the rules of public decency would allow and it was at about this point that the three of us began our silent retching. I mean, for god's sake-you're in the middle of the National Gardens in FULL DAYLIGHT. Let's save that kind of behavior for after dark. And, I don't know if I mentioned this before but THEY WERE OLD!! I don't mean 40, 50,60-old. I'm talking 70,80,nearing death-old. And yet somehow none of us could look away. I had managed to block out the image until now but just thinking about it sends me into a cold sweat. I think a little piece of me died that day.

Moving on. Anne-Marie and Josie cooked a fabulous Thanksgiving meal on Thursday and I helped in the baking process. Who knew butternut squash pie was just as good as pumpkin? I even put aside my feelings on fruit as a dessert (a whole other blog) to make an apple crisp that was surprisingly delicious. The rest of the time we pretty much walked around Athens, did some window shopping and met adorable dogs who may or may not be bilingual.

Before I finish this entry I have two more things of import to share with you. First of all, those of you worried about my imminent eternal damnation (Mom) will be happy to know I've renounced my agnosticism because only an omniscient being such as the lord could come up with a creation as scrumptious as the Cheese Pie. Layers of flaky, buttery filo dough filled with every cheese you could imagine. I was in complete heaven. The Cheese Pie is now my proof that god does exist and Everest, the ubiquitous fast food chain that sells them, is my new place of worship. Here, gaze upon its beauty:

The other interesting thing happened on one of my flights home. The neverending trip from Madrid to Miami. I had taken a melatonin and was in a sleep-induced fog when I looked up to see a flight attendant approaching who bore a striking resemblance to John Ashcroft. At first, I thought "well he is out of work. Maybe he's trying a new career path." But then I heard him speaking Spanish and I figured the real John Ashcroft has probably never heard Spanish, let alone is fluent in it. But wouldn't that be awesome if it had been him?

Allright, that was Greece. A big thanks again to Anne-Marie and Eph for all their hospitality and aero-bed. And to Josie for making it a super-duper-awesome trip with her mere presence.

Rome, here I come!!

2005-12-02T17:30:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's been almost a week since I got back from Greece with no blogging but there was just so much to get through. I mean, first the ticker tape parade, and the welcome back from the mayor was one thing but wading through all those well-wishers on my way to the apartment took forever! Or, you know, I came home to an empty apartment and a cat that wouldn't let me sleep. Whatever.

So, Greece was fabulous! As was my company in Anne-Marie, Josie and yes, even Eph. And for the record Eph, it's not my life's ambition to master backgammon so there. I'm not sure how long this blog will be. There are plenty of good stories and pictures but I'm not trying to recreate The Aeneid or anything so I may break it up into two entries. Let's just see how it goes, shall we? (For another account of the week's events, visit www.partyinpangrati.blogspot.com)

DAY 1
No pictures (and thank god considering how I looked after those flights) but I got my tour of casa de Lytle and then we immediately went to dinner. Who would have guessed Greek food in Greece is a gazillion times better than Greek food in the U.S.? It came as a shock to me too, people. I think my palate was designed for Greece because they seem to love cheese as much as I do. And the feta!! My god, the feta! Nothing like that salty monstrosity you get in the grocery store. It's smooth and creamy and delicious.

DAY 2
Luckily, the Greek gods were smiling on us and the most gorgeous day that I was there was the day we picked to go to the Acropolis (something about that syntax doesn't sit right but I'm tired and you get my drift). Plus, it's free on Sundays so we were all 25 Euros richer.

Here's my first glimpse of the Acropolis from far away. From that distance, it seriously seemed fake in a very Disney kind of way.

We made our way up and I don't mean to state the obvious but it was pretty amazing. It was one of those weird times in life where what you're seeing is just as impressive as you had expected it to be.

Ah, there's the money shot.

And just to prove I was actually there:
We asked some guy to take this picture and after he did I was a total bitch and checked out the picture right in front of him to make sure it wasn't crappy. But come on, he was in a matching red jacket with his wife! I had reason to be suspicious.

Be forewarned-this story has already been told on AM's blog (that's what I get for being late) so sorry for the repetition but deal with it. As we were sitting in this exact spot, we noticed two guys taking pictures. But no, not your typical "say cheese" pictures. They were taking turns getting into these weird sex-kitten-George-Costanza-in-that-episode-where-he-gives-his-girlfriend-a-semi-dirty-picture poses. AND, they were taking off their jackets and scarves. It was freaking cold! Look at us-we're all sensibly bundled and these moron twins start taking layers off. AM surreptitiously took a picture of them and we sort of followed them as we were leaving. We come upon them again taking ridiculous pictures at the exit of the Acropolis and, naturally, AM reaches for her camera to continue our documentation of just how odd people can be. And BAM-her purse and all its contents fall into this crevice (complete with ancient cigarette butts). Luckily Josie is not only freakishly strong but also apparently Gumby, as she was able to fish everything out. However, the karmic lesson was not lost on us and in order to avoid having a several thousand-year-old piece of marble fall on our heads as punishment for continued ridicule, we left our eccentric friends in peace. But they'll always be in our hearts.

Ok, this entry is already really long and I want to go home. Not that I'm doing this from work or anything. I'll finish up later.

2005-11-15T17:43:00.000-05:00

Let's get interactive.

I drove down to NC this weekend and spent some quality time with the radio. Oddly, I kept hearing the same songs over and over again, like 30 minutes apart on different stations. But they weren't even recent. They were songs like "Nothing compares 2 U" and that Fiona Apple song. Come on, we're not talking classics here. Although, if the mood strikes me I will bust out with a little Sinead O'C. while ripping up a picture of the popemobile. Not the pope-that would be disrespectful and god knows I always try to be respectful of religion.

And did my ears deceive me or did I hear a "new" Hootie song? And why can I identify a new Hootie song?

Anywho, here's the interactive part. As I was driving, a few songs came on that I immediately had to turn off because they are so heinous. Here's my list of songs I can't sit through more than 3 seconds of:

1. Daughters-John Mayer
2. Anything by Nickelback
3. That goddamn "I hope you dance" song by some country singer! Kate, I know you like it but it makes me want to shove tree branches in my ears

Alternately, I will search high and low (on the dial-nothing like radio humor) for the following:

1. Poison-Bel Biv Devoe
2. Sweet Child o' Mine-Guns 'N Roses
3. Iesha-Another Bad Creation (that one's for you Emma)

What about you? No need to limit it to three!

P.S.-Three days and counting until I leave for Greece! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

2005-11-07T13:05:00.000-05:00

A few things:

1. I'm afraid my last post gave the mistaken impression that I was embarassed or ashamed about the whole "I was lying" statement. Actually, I was quite proud of myself. Also, it was so horribly truthful that both Josie and Anne-Marie were momentarily speechless which meant a brief reprieve from the yelling that was to come.

2. A big thank-diddle-doo (channeling Ned Flanders here) to Shannon (a.k.a Shacacca, Shannaford, and my favorite SHANNON (only in the mornings to wake her up)) for enduring a long car ride and even longer match to watch me play volleyball last night. I'll forego the comments on the actual game but on our way there for some reason, we both decided it would be a good idea to have random screaming sessions. It's super fun and I highly recommend it. Mine is a little more high pitched but Shannon's has a nice throaty quality to it. Listen for her in future horror movies.

3. Why is my mom watching movies like "You Got Served" and saying things like "holla back"? I fear we've lost her to Generation whatever-they-are-called-now. I'm scared.

4. The fabulous Emma (E-bo) is coming up to visit me in about a month and we're going to eat at Ethiopian restaurants and pretend we're in Ethiopia. The good part of Ethiopia, not the riot/famine plagued part. What? There are totally parts like that! However, I have to call her out for saying her favorite Soloway is MY MOM! In the words of Gob Bluth, come on!! We've been friends for years and I come in second place? Not cool Emma, not cool at all. Just kidding, this is really just bait to lure Emma to comment on my blog. Hint.

5. I fear this blog is too text-heavy and needs a little visual spice. Here are some fun pics from Anne-Marie's bridal shower in Vegas (yes a year ago-shut up):

This is the beginning of the trip

And this is the end

2005-11-03T17:41:00.000-05:00

Since my last post containing an actual story as opposed to my incoherent ramblings went over so well (11 comments-a personal best!), I thought I'd give you all another fun nugget. I've got a million of them folks-I could do this all year. Plus I've got 20 minutes left before work is over and it's either setting myself on fire or this.

This story revolves around me (of course) and the fabulous Josephine. Senior year in college, there was a big ice storm in North Carolina over the winter break so we were basically trapped in our apartment. Luckily for us it was an awesome apartment-warehouse ceilings, exposed brick...I digress. Anywho, to pass the time we decided to do one of those humongous puzzles that takes forever and has a gazillion pieces. After too much time, we were down to like 5 pieces we had yet to place and Josie quickly tried it in a spot and proclaimed that it didn't fit and took it back. Being the obnoxious brat that I am, I thought she hadn't been careful enough to make sure it didn't really fit and beseeched her to try again. She declined. After much back and forth, I finally told her I'd give her $20 if she would hand me the piece so I could see if it would fit.

She did, and I tried and sure enough it didn't fit.

Now, I don't know how your families work but I've never paid off a bet in my entire life and didn't plan to start then. Being an only child, Josie was unfamiliar with the idea of welching on a promise and the remarks from Anne-Marie on the sidelines weren't helping my case. Apparently they keep their word. Whatever. Finally, after a lot of "but you said..." from Josie, I bust out with "I WAS LYING!" It's not flattering but it's true and to this day I'm still $20 richer.

Things you should take away from this story:
1. If I bet you money and I lose, I will not pay. However, if you bet me money and you lose, I will expect payment immediately.

2. Josie is still bitter to this day. Seriously. Tell her "I was lying" and her face will turn red. It's pretty fun.

And no, I'm not telling this story now because both Josie and Anne-Marie are out of the country and unlikely to read it. And if you guys are reading it, STOP!! Go sightsee! Love you!

2005-10-27T11:14:00.000-04:00

It appears that I am an unwitting fan of Pauly Shore movies. How could that be, you ask? A fan of the weasel? Seriously? I know, I know. It came as a bit of a shock to me too but what can I say. A quick rundown of his movies on imdb confirms my suspicion. Bio-dome-yes. Jury Duty-yes. In the Army Now-absolutely! And furthermore, he continues to endear himself with a quick cameo in one of my faves-Class Act, featuring Kid-n-Play back when Kid had the awesome foot-high flat top and not crappy braids. I'll understand if you want us to stop seeing each other but I hope we can still be friends.

A quick metro story for all you DC-philes. A woman was on the metro this morning and appeared to have a limp or something and walked with a cane but don't feel too sorry for her just yet because she was committing a cardinal sin of metro-riding. She had a rolling bookbag that was totally blocking half the car and gave anyone a dirty look just for brushing it as they walked by. Anywho, once we got to Dupont Circle (a very busy stop) some woman knocked it over on her way out and this lady just screamed at her "COW!" Sometimes I just love public transportation.

2005-10-18T11:15:00.000-04:00

I got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about them. Just kidding, I wanted to paraphrase Frank Costanza but the original line is so much better. Basically I have a few random things to discuss and they are in no particular order.

1. Why do all cabs in DC sound like they are a loose lugnut away from completely falling apart, cartoon-style, where the wheels come off and the body slams into the ground and the doors fall to the side? Seriously, they squeak like they're getting paid for every sound.

2. I was walking to work yesterday and one of the neighborhood homeless and/or crazy guys did the awesomest thing. He walked up to the storefront window of a Starbucks where several people were staring out while enjoying a latte and just stood there and stared at them. The people inside had no idea what to do so they just stared back. I half expected it to turn into some behavioral psychology experiment where the homeless guy lifted his right arm and his mirror images lifted their left arm as I imagine monkeys might do. But alas, they didn't. Yes, that's the whole story. What?!

3. KATE-if you're still reading this monstrosity---"Nicole 4-EVA"

4. Finally a big shout out to the Crane family for their continued support of my baby blog. Since my sister apparently isn't interested ("what's the address again"-Jennifer), it's nice to know someone's reading. Just for you, here's a little somethin' somethin'

That's right it's a kitty!!

Baxter, you are my little gentleman

It's so hot! Milk was a bad idea.

I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal

2005-10-09T18:40:00.000-04:00

Just dropping in to relay to everyone that Footloose is possibly the greatest movie ever made. Why? For the following reasons:

1. It created its own universe. Doesn't it seem like some alternative dimension, what with the no dancing/no music (except apparently chamber music) rules?? And now, whenever a movie or show does something similar, you're like "that's just like Footloose!" Or at least I am. Shut up, you know you do it too.

2. The chicken fight scene for two reasons:
2a. First of all, there is a chicken fight scene. That alone catapults it into movie awesomeness. And also, it makes me think of the homage scene from Arrested Development where GOB and Buster chicken fight on tractors and they just clink together and that's the end of that.
2b. Before they start, 'Chuck', the not-Kevin-Bacon-guy in the fight, leans down and pushes play on the boombox to start the song "I need a hero." Because they couldn't have just played it in the movie without explaining why you're all of a sudden hearing it! It's not like we're familiar with the concept of a soundtrack or anything.

3. After the tractor melee, Kevin Bacon is getting crap from everywhere and has to get out of that repressive environment. So he heads straight down to the deserted factory. He can't take it anymore so he has a smoke and a beer and just dances it out like his life depends on it. And maybe it does friends, maybe it does.

And these are only from the 45 minutes of watching I did this afternoon. Imagine if I had sat through the whole thing!

2005-10-07T16:21:00.000-04:00

So much for blog planning (I think I've just created the newest catch phrase!). There I was on Wednesday with my next entry all planned out. I step out of the office for 10 minutes to run errands, come back and my whole world is askew. First, Jessica and Nick are splitting up. Not that I care but it just proves my theory that tabloids are ALWAYS right about gossip, they're just ahead of the curve. Everything they say comes true eventually, which is why I am now going to subscribe to the National Enquirer. Why sift through the crap sections of other papers when I can go straight to the good stuff.

And THEN, Tom and Katie are having a freaking baby. Sooo weird. Maybe I've been watching LOST too long, but my theory on them is that she's not pregnant, it's all a ruse to make you think he has actually had sex with a woman since his first (and I'm guessing last) stab at heterosexuality. Come on Tom! You know it, I know it, coma patients know it. You're gay! Just own it already, yeesh. Come out on Letterman, make the obligatory cameo on Will & Grace and have at it. But if I have to sit through a year of pretense and posturing that he's been anywhere near a woman's reproductive system lately, there's no way in hell I'm going to see Mission Impossible 3. Unless Felicity is also starring in it. Or J.J. Abrams, Alias and LOST genius, is directing it. Damnit Cruise. You've won again. But seriously, step out of the Marc Jacobs heels and venture out of the closet. I betcha people will be distracted enough from the crazy scientology stuff to love you again. At least for a little while.

In other fascinating news, I moved yesterday! To a fabulous 2 bedroom apartment with deaf scheduler and all-around fun girl Shannon. I mean, she's not deaf, she schedules for deaf people. Or hearing-impaired??? Moving on...

My arms feel like they're going to fall off but I predict once everything is unpacked it'll be like paradise. With a balcony! And once everything's all neat and pretty I'll take pictures and put them up. Because I know you're dying to see them, right? Right!

2005-09-27T17:17:00.000-04:00

"Hey, we should do this 10K run! It'll be fun and good motivation for working out." -- Josie circa June 2004

This seemingly harmless idea developed into one of the more embarassing mornings I've experienced (apologies in advance for the long blog).

It all started in June of 2004. Anne-Marie was recently engaged and the three of us were looking for a good way to spend a weekend together and start to get in shape for the wedding. The excruciatingly well-intentioned Josie discovered a 10K race that would be run in DC in late September-perfect right? It would give us 3 months to "train" and it was the perfect location for people living in NC, DC and NY (mostly perfect for me but that's neither here nor there).

Based on how the three of us got through college, we should have known how it would turn out but somehow the euphoria of prolonged exercise blinded us to our essential natures. Basically, as we were all forced to rely on our own willpower, Anne-Marie was really diligent and trained constantly and gradually worked herself up to running several miles at a time while Josie and I....not so much. I can't speak for Josie but I would estimate my dedication at approximately, oh, half-assed. Perhaps 58%-assed. I'm not great with percentages.

Editor's note: The advertisement for the race called it a "run/walk"--keep that in mind as the story progresses (lying bastards)

So, the day of the race comes-we're up early, eating our power bars. We even have matching t-shirts for christ's sake! We should finish this thing in our sleep, right? Not so fast, sport.

The race runs along Pennsylvania Avenue in downtown DC, heading towards the Capitol, then looping up towards the Senate Office Buildings and back down Penn Ave (that's 5K-to do the 10K you just run the course twice). There's a fair sized crowd, 163 to be exact, waiting to start the 10K and the last thing I remember us talking about is telling AM not to wait around for us to keep up. Little did we know that would be the best advice we ever gave. The starter gun goes off and I actually manage to run the entire 5K without stopping or walking, however after the first mile I realized there were very few people behind me but I just pushed that to the back of my brain. Plus I figured it's a walk/run-I can walk a little bit, yes? Yes? Nnn..nn.no? Ok.

After finishing the 5K, Josie catches up to me and we have both had it and start walking. At this point, there is NOBODY behind us but again, we just think we're really dedicated for continuing to finish and not stopping after the 5K. Also, after about the first mile of the second lap, we see AM heading back towards the finish line. We totally should have just snuck behind her and pretended to finish.

So we're walking, briskly, up towards the Senate buildings, which is about 3/5 of the way finished with the second lap, when one of the race volunteers says "ladies, we're going to have to ask you to step on the sidewalk. We're opening up the roads to traffic." Yeah, that's right. Picture it...picture it. It was even better in person. Well, at this point we slow our brisk walk to a stroll since we have to keep it to the sidewalk. As we're rounding the corner onto Penn Ave, AM is making her way back to try and find us and stops to ask some more volunteers if they've seen two girls still finishing the race. They say "the ones in the matching shirts? Yeah, they're just up there."

We shamefacedly head towards the race headquarters, once a massive setup that covered 3 blocks that by this time was reduced to three people and a desk. As we're heading towards the race officials (to hand in our numbers for proof that we finished!), I notice an older woman walking in the same direction, probably a minute or two ahead of us. Completely not making the connection, I don't speed up or try to trip her. I just figured she was out for a morning stroll. As I see her hand her number to the officials, the horror sets in. We have just been beaten by someone's grandmother. It was right about here that I decided to hand my number in before Josie could so that I wouldn't be last. Very immature I know, but I WASN'T LAST. Suckers.

Oh and the other great line was, as we handed in our numbers, one volunteer says to the other "I heard there were two more out there." As if we were making our way in from the slopes of Everest. We muttered a quick "yeah, that's us" and got the hell out of there. Even though the two of us walked half of it, we were damn tired and went back to my house and ordered Chinese food and took naps for the rest of the day. Good times.

To sum up this rather long but, hopefully, enjoyable story, AM was a running demon and Josie and I...finished. But I wouldn't trade having this story to tell for anything. Well, maybe a Marc Jacobs purse. A blue one. Hint.

P.S. Here's the proof: http://www.dcroadrunners.org/results04/pennmi.htm Way to go number 118! And yes, the age of the woman who beat Josie and me is 64. What of it?

2005-09-21T10:31:00.000-04:00

I was THIS close (picture my fingers an inch apart) to getting a cat last weekend. I really shouldn't be allowed anywhere near adoptable animals in this condition. What condition you ask? A big old sap. That's what I am. Fortunately my mom talked me off the ledge which is probably a good thing right now. I mean, it took me almost two weeks to update my blog. If I can't add a new paragraph every few days, why would I think I'd remember to feed another living being. And yes, don't even get me started on the prospect of having kids. Besides, if Shannon and I room together I'll have two cats to play with. Of course Shannon would be taking care of all the fees and litter changing duties.

For now, I prefer to treat this blog as my little baby. I'm going to nourish it with little nuggets of wisdom and funny anecdotes (what? I'm funny!) and protect it from the evil junk mail ne'er-do-wells who may try and invade it. Until LOST premieres. Then I'll be busy.

2005-09-20T17:48:00.000-04:00

To continue on the metro theme of the last blog, the greatest thing happened yesterday. The car I was on was mostly full but there were two sets of empty seats available and this guy comes on the train, looks around and sits next to another guy who was sitting in the outer aisle seat clearly trying to discourage anyone from sitting next to him. It was like my fondest public transportation wish come true. And to make it even flippin sweeter, the guy in the outside seat kept giving the other guy these annoyed looks. I was just waiting for a Springer episode to unfold but sadly my stop came and I left. But I think I'll always remember it as the day someone else did the assertive thing I always wanted to do (don't worry, I'm starting therapy immediately).

Ok, enough about that-on to the good stuff. I'm completely overwhelmed but in a happy way by the new tv schedule. It's like my very own viewing smorgasbord, although let's face it, a real smorgasbord is always better (mmmm breakfast pastries). In honor of my favorite comedy, Arrested Development, premiering last night, I invite you to "taste the happy" and visit www.imoscar.com. It's freaking hilarious, and more so if you actually watch the show.

Finally, I don't care if you have clear skin or you want me to look at your porn site. Stop making me happy to see comments on my blog and finding out you're just junk mail. I'm warning you. No I don't have any force to back up that threat but I will someday and then you'll be sorry.

Allright Erica, I'm done blogging now. You can relax! What? No I'm not doing this from work. Whatever gave you that idea? Pay no attention to the time this was posted. That's all Central time.

2005-09-08T10:48:00.000-04:00

I guess a holiday weekend really screws up my blogging routine. I had no idea I have an adoring public. By 'adoring' I mean 'tolerating' and by 'public' I mean 4 people.

So I'm walking to the metro yesterday, listening to my walkman (no I don't have an ipod yet-if anyone wants to donate $200 I'll send you my address) and one of the stations is playing "Careless Whisper" by one Mr. George Michael. The fascinating thing is the song lasted my entire walk out of the building, to the metro and into the station where I lost the signal. That's a good 5-6 minute walk. Who knew that song was so long?? And yes, the really relevant question is why did you listen to the song for the entire walk? And that, my friends, is an answer I cannot give you. It'll remain one of life's great mysteries. I guess the dulcet stylings of G.M. were just too much for me to resist.

The really weird thing is while I was driving, not two hours later, it came on again on another station. What is with the soft rock DJs in the DC area? Maybe they're trying to recapture the glory of the pre-public-bathroom-cavorting-George Michael.

Having mentioned the metro, let me just mention a few annoyances to my fellow public transportation customers. One-stop pushing me out of the way to get a seat. One of these days I will snap and body slam you. Two-if you move from your seat to a pair of empty seats at a busy station, you are an idiot. Someone will sit next to you and you just wasted your time. Three-if you fall asleep and your head starts bobbing, I will laugh at you.

2005-08-29T16:25:00.000-04:00

So Josie came to visit me this weekend. It was pretty crazy as you might expect from the two of us. You know, anarchy and blind destruction. The usual. Actually it was a lot of walking around DC, having dinner with her dad (thanks Mr. Witte!!), all topped off with me watching The Grudge and Josie doing anything she could to avoid looking at the screen. It wasn't even that scary. She's weak. I kid, I kid!

Now that I think about it, the best part was trying to make brownies without using the 4 month old eggs in my fridge, so she just used oil and water. And HALF the brownie mix. Do I need to say it wasn't good? And do I need to say we still ate it? No, I don't think I do. (side note-while making the brownies, Tommy Boy was on in the background and as I was reciting most of the lines, yes out loud, Josie simultaneously breathed in the brownie powder and started laughing which caused a choking fit that lasted for eons. Tommy want wingy-nyah, nyah).

I also have plans for a blog in the coming month that will serve as a tribute to the 1-year anniversary of the 10K Anne-Marie ran and Josie and I, air quotes, ran. If you haven't heard the story yet, it's one of my better ones. And if you have heard it, stop laughing now.

AM-love the newest entry. Don't take any crap off of some stupid cliff

2005-08-25T10:05:00.000-04:00

Two days in a row! It's like a blogging miracle. Although I fear I'm in danger of becoming so overexposed that I wear out my welcome, much like ABC a few years ago when Who Wants to be a Millionaire was on every freaking night. But I'm sure if that happens I'll just stage a LOST-like comeback and be on top again. I'll just have to find the Locke to my Jack (what? I'm totally Jack, without the medical skills).

I've decided to record two of the better lines I've uttered recently. The first was when Shannon and I were browsing in Pier 1 at various international (read: made in Taiwan) goods and I started going on and on about candles or some such nonsense and then stopped myself and said "when did I turn into a gay man?" And I don't mean that in a disparaging way. Seriously, I sounded like I was on Queer Eye.

The other one was yesterday when something made me chuckle and all of a sudden I heard what I sounded like and said "why do I laugh like a hyena?" It's sad because it's true.

All of this reminds me of another great line from my friend Kate who uttered the term "drumping" to denote dry humping. The best part was she said it IN CLASS without breaking a smile. Granted it was a women's reproductive rights class but still... Another gem was "in my mind, I look hot." That's a keeper.

Wow, less than 24 hours and I've already broken the picture rule. I have no will power. This is me and my bestest pals in Vegas. Too late guys, the one on the right is already married!

2005-08-24T17:04:00.000-04:00

So for anyone who has sent me an email about not updating my blog (I'm looking in your direction Shannon), this is what you get. Nothing interesting about me but rather good memories about my true love, TV.

I'm warning you, I'm about to turn all Chris Farley in that SNL sketch "The Chris Farley Show"--Remember that time you.... that was awesome.

I saw an old episode of The Cosby Show where Denise tells her parents she's not going back to college. After some jokes and a somewhat emotional plea for understanding from Denise, her mom sympathetically asks why she waited three months to tell them she wasn't going back instead of searching for a job. Looking completely aghast, Denise says "Mom, it was my summer vacation!" Good times.

In an attempt to make this thing more interesting, I'm going to try to upload a picture of my very adorable but not very bright nephew dog. You may ask, why not a picture of you or your family? It's a long story (AM & Josie-think of the Face Book) but basically my mom's paranoid that some psychopath will see a picture of a member of our family and become so enamored of him/her/us that they think "I should kidnap them." Hence no personal pictures yet. But if I find one where I think I look cute, it's going up.

And if you don't see a picture, I couldn't figure out how to do it.

P.S.-don't kidnap this dog. Seriously, it's for your sake, not his. He's got such terrible separation anxiety that he'll never leave your side.

2005-08-22T15:51:00.000-04:00

Courtney Love admits to using drugs. Really MSN? Is that really news? Isn't that sort of like me admitting to breathing? I never come out and give a play-by-play of each breath but from casual observation you can just draw your own conclusion. And so it is with Courtney.

Mind you, this is in no way a condemnation of her antics or addiction. I like seeing my celebrities get crazier and crazier as time goes on. Mariah's breakdown is what made me finally like her a little bit. It's just hard to dislike someone who has monumentally lost it in front of the entire world. Call me crazy...

It's not a dissertation on Gaza or anything but it's all I've got for right now.

Oh yeah, I just remembered, I do have something mildly intellectual. I was sort of watching Meet the Press yesterday and this line caught my ear from a former CIA, air quotes, specialist on the Middle East (and I quote)--"women's social rights are not critical to the evolution of democracy." I know, I know, what about context? I went to msnbc and read the transcripts and it's definitely not any better.

Anne-Marie, your thought? Let it out.

2005-08-15T20:42:00.000-04:00

How hot can it get on the 8th floor? After a weekend's worth of no air-conditioning and 98 degree temperatures (and not of the boy band variety)? So hot that it feels like your face is slowly melting away only you're happy because that's one less part of your body that will sweat.

So yes, I arrived at work this morning (on time of course) to discover that our air conditioning was not working. It was like walking into a sauna with your winter coat on. As Emma would say, it was BLAZING. Luckily we were sent home but not before I discovered how smelly 25 people in a hot conference room can be.

Unfortunately that's the most exciting thing that's happened in the last few days so we've reached the end of this post. Until next time...

P.S.-AM, we're going to have to talk about that whole TP thing??!

2005-08-12T11:58:00.000-04:00

That's right, I stole that title right from Reno 911. And I'm proud of it! I never promised you originality.

And not to come off as hostile but I don't blog on command so there probably won't be any posts from me until the mood (or some ridiculous situation) strikes me. I should probably also add that the only reason I have this blog is so I could post on my good pal Anne-Marie's website. So it was kind of a forced blog. Damnit AM, no means no! (don't feel too bad for her-she's spending a year in Greece and I'm sweating in out in D.C.)

Ok, I've exhausted my brain for now.